THUNDARR THE BARBARIAN in THE BOOK OF THE DEAD
by Thundarr The Barbarian
Summary: The defeated wizard, Infernus, has discovered and read from the dreaded Necronomicon. Now Ash must team with Thundarr, Ariel, and Ookla in order to stop Infernus and his army of deadites from conquering all. Can they get along long enough to win?
1. Chapter 1

_**THUNDARR THE BARBARIAN **_

_**in **_

_**THE BOOK OF THE DEAD**_

**Chapter One**

In the year 1994, from out of space came a runaway planet, hurtling between The Earth and The Moon, unleashing cosmic destruction. Man's civilization is cast in ruin. Two thousand years later, Earth is reborn. A strange new world rises from the old. A world of savagery, super science, and sorcery.

In an ancient library, in the ruins of an ancient city that was once known as Washington DC, an old and sickly looking man is sitting in front of an old and ill kept fireplace reading a book by the light of the crackling fire. He is dressed in the torn and tattered robes of a once great wizard, his head devoid of any hair. His name is Infernus, and he in fact once was a mighty and powerful wizard. He was made even mightier when the werewolf known as Xevon made him one of The Pack. Unfortunately he was defeated shortly afterward by the barbarian known as Thundarr, along with his companions, Ookla The Mok, and a sorceress named Princess Ariel. They destroyed his magic staff, and threw him into an enchanted pool which cures lycanthropy. Now powerless, he has been searching for a way to recover his lost magic ever since.

"Bah!" says the former wizard in frustration, "Nothing but the simple tricks and nonsense of charlatans!" and he throws the book he was reading, _All The Secrets Of Magic Revealed_ by Herbert L Becker into the fire.

"Children's games!" he cries as he throws an ancient and tattered copy of TSR's _The Complete Wizard's Handbook_ for the _2nd Edition Advanced Dungeons & Dragons_ game onto the fire.

"Fairy tales!" he shouts, as a copy of J.R.R. Tolkien's _The Lord Of The Rings_ is hurled into the fire.

"Spiritual claptrap!" he says as he throws a copy of _The Practice Of Witchcraft_ by Robin Skelton into the fire.

"No real magic anywhere," he says, and he sits back down in despair.

An entire library at his disposal, and he hasn't found a single tome on real magic anywhere. Suddenly he hears a loud growling noise, like that of a hungry predator. It doesn't frighten him though, for he knows exactly what it is. His stomach. He hasn't eaten in days. He picks up his broken staff, which he has been using as a club, and a burlap sack, and heads out to check his traps. When he was a wizard, he never had to worry about going hungry. The humans who served him would hand over whatever he desired. Now they know he is powerless they will not cower. They are angry for the years of abuse and terror he subjected them to, and would rather see him starve to death than give him even a crust of stale bread. So he's been reduced to eating whatever he can catch or steal. And since he had never had to hunt, forage, or steal before, he has found that he's not very good at any of that. Luckily he found the library, which had books on how to survive in hostile environments. He taught himself how to set snares and dead-falls, and now lived on whatever he caught (mostly rats and other rodents). Unfortunately for Infernus, his traps and snares have been mostly empty for several days now. He went about checking his traps. As he expected, they were empty. He kept checking them anyway. He finally gets to his last trap, next to the fence surrounding an ancient cemetery with row upon row of white crosses marking the final resting places of the dead. Infernus groans in dismay at his rotten luck.

"_Release me,_" says a voice, which seems to be coming from everywhere and nowhere all at once.

"What?" Says Infernus, startled at the noise. He looks about frantically, but there doesn't appear to be anyone around.

"_Release me!_" says the voice again, this time more urgently.

"Where are you?" Demands Infernus, "Show yourself!"

"_Crypt,_" says the voice, "_In the sarcophicus. Release me!_"

"Why should I?" Asks Infernus, "What's in it for me?"

"_Power!_" says the voice.

That is all Infernus needed to hear. He climbs the fence, then starts looking for the crypt. The problem is that this is a very big cemetery, and there are many crypts and mausoleums to search. It would take forever to find the right one.

"Where are you?" Infernus demands again, "Which crypt?"

"_Statue,_" is all that the voice would tell him.

Infernus looked around and found an ancient crypt with a large ivy and moss covered statue positioned in front of the doors. The former wizard cleared away a bunch of the moss and ivy so that he could see the statue better. It was an impressive piece of work. It was made of bronze, and depicted a man wearing a torn shirt, exposing a well muscled torso. In his left hand he holds an ancient rifle, with twin wide barrels. His right hand has been replaced with a strange bladed device, which appears to be mechanical in nature. On the plaque below it reads:

_R. I. P.  
Ashley James Williams  
1960-1994  
Friend. Champion. Hero  
Hail To The King._

Infernus walks up to the crypt door and finds it locked tight. He picks up a large rock and smashes it against the lock. After two or three hits it pops open. He forces the door the rest of the way open. There, in the middle of the crypt, is a sarcophagus, just like the voice had said. Infernus walks over and examines the stonework. The sarcophagus lid is carved in the exact same image as that of the man in the statue outside. He has that rifle and bladed weapon crossed over his chest, like an Egyptian mummy. Infernus pushes against the stone lid, trying to slide it off. But no matter how hard he pushes against it, it just won't budge.

"_Release me!_" says the voice insistently.

"I'm trying!" Infernus shouts back, "Just give me a minute!"

Infernus runs back outside and looks about for something he can use as a pry bar. He notices that the iron fence surrounding the cemetery is in severe disrepair. He grabs one of the iron poles and pulls it off the fence. Then he brings it back to the crypt and begins using it to pry the stone lid off the sarcophagus.

"_Release me!_" says the voice again.

"I'm trying dammit!" Infernus shouts back, "Now shut up!"

It takes him several attempts, but infernus finally begins shifting the stone lid off to the side. He curses his lack of strength. Even with a full belly he isn't a very strong man, but with nothing in his system but water for the past few days, he's as weak as a kitten. In any event, he eventually manages to move the sarcophagus lid far enough to the side to see inside. Lying there is a skeleton with his arms crossed over his chest, clutching an ancient book in his hands. Lying next to him are what remains of the ancient firearm on his left side, and that bladed contraption on his right. At closer inspection, Infernus is able to guess at its function. There's a bladed chain strung around the edge of the blade. He guesses that the motor moves the chain around the blade at a high speed, sawing through whatever it comes in contact with. While it's obvious that its original function was logging or carpentry, but he could guess it would make a fearsome weapon. The skeleton's left hand is what Infernus expected to find. His right hand has been replaced with a mechanical prosthetic hand, which appears to be made from the metal gauntlet of a suit of armor.

"Ashley James Williams, I presume," says Infernus.

He reaches into the stone coffin and, one by one, breaks off the skeleton's fingers. The steel fingers are more difficult, as their joints have seized shut. Eventually he gets the ancient tome free of its keeper. He looks the book over. It was ancient even before The Cataclysm. It appears to have been written in blood, and the binding could only be human flesh. The front cover appears to have a person's face. Infernus carefully leafs through the pages. One piece of writing seems to leap out at him. His years of magical study had required he study many languages, both current and ancient, and he can read the Sumerian text.

"Klato barata nekto," he says out loud.

An unseen force tears the book from his hands and hurls it across the crypt. It lands face down on the floor, then it opens itself up and the pages flip through of their own accord until the front cover is facing up once again. This time the eyes are glowing red. Infernus cautiously approaches the book, frightened and awed all at once. Then twin red beams of energy shoot out from the book's eyes and strikes Infernus in the eyes, lifting him off the ground and pinning him to the crypt wall. The wizard screams in agony as whatever the book is doing to him is truly excruciating. He has no idea how long this goes on for. Time seems to have no meaning. He could be stuck to the wall for minutes, he could be there for hours, all he knows is that he has never felt this kind of pain before. Mercifully, the book releases him from its grasp and he collapses to the floor. He lies there for several moments, showing no signs of life. Then he opens his eyes, and they glow a malevolent red. He rises to his feet, more like floating to his feet for he doesn't seem to even push up with his hands. His skin has turned the sickly gray of a corpse, his exposed skin is covered with black veins. His teeth have all elongated into wicked sharp fangs, his fingernails have grown into deadly claws. Infernus looks down at his hands. He can feel the power flowing through him. He no longer feels hungry, or cold, or weak. He just feels power and rage. Infernus looks down at the skeleton of the hated Ash Williams. He snorts through his nose, coughs up some phlegm, then spits it into the skeleton's face. He grins wickedly, then he holds his hand out to the Necronomicon and the book flies into his hand. Then he walks out of the crypt. Once outside, Infernus goes looking about all of the crypts and mausoleums in the cemetery He finally finds one that he thinks will serve his purpose. He reaches out with his hand, and a red ray of energy leaps from his palm and envelops the door. He then closes his hand into a fist, and the door crumples like an aluminum can. Then he whips his hand behind him, and the door goes flying off its hinges. The wizard walks into the crypt and sees several plaques marking the final resting place of several generations of one family. Again he holds out his hand and the red bolts of energy shoot out from his fingertips, striking five plaques and then ricocheting off to hit all the others. Once all of the plaques are lit up, Infernus closes his hand into a fist. As soon as he makes a fist, all of the coffins burst from the walls and break open. Out step several skeletons, all wearing blue military dress uniforms with ancient steel sabers on their hips.

"Atten-HUT!" Says one of the skeletons, and the rest of them all fall in line standing at attention. The lead skeleton walks up to Infernus and salutes.

"Sir! Admiral Wesson reporting for duty, Sir," says the skeleton.

"How many of you are there?" Asks Infernus.

"In this crypt, Sir? Twelve generations of marine corps officers ready to serve," he replies.

"And in this grave yard?"

"Sir! Unknown sir! This is a military graveyard sir! There could be thousands, hundreds of thousands even," he replies.

"In that case," says the wizard, "you had better start digging. I want every body that has ever graced a battlefield armed and ready to march as soon as possible!"

"Sir! Yes, Sir!" The skeleton turns to the others in the crypt, "You heard the man! Move! Move! Move! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!"

All of the skeletons file out to find some shovels and start digging. Infernus wanders over to the statue of Ash. He blasts the statue with his magic and melts its face. Then he turns and watches the birth of his growing army of deadites.

In the year 1993, Ashley James Williams is just getting home from work at the local S-Mart shopping center He pulls his new Ford pick up truck into the driveway of his house. He unlocks the door and enters the house. Once inside, he takes off his S-Mart uniform smock. He takes a moment to look at his mechanical hand. People often ask him about that hand, how he got it, etc. When he tells them what happened, about how his hand became possessed by a deadite and he had to cut it off with a chainsaw, they look at him as if he were insane. Sometimes they ask him why he doesn't replace the mechanical hand with a more conventional design. Because the conventional ones can't crush a steel cup as though it were made of paper. Ash heads into the kitchen and grabs himself a beer from the fridge. He pops the top and has a healthy swallow. Saying "Shop smart, shop S-Mart" over and over all day long can really leave your mouth dry. He walks back into the living room and heads over to the fireplace. He looks upon his trophies from his past adventures with bitter sweet feelings. There's a 12 gauge double barrel shotgun and a chainsaw that was jury-rigged so that it could be used in place of a prosthetic hand. They were crossed on the wall over the mantle the way some people display replica swords. He remembers going to the cabin in the woods with his girlfriend for a romantic weekend. How she became possessed by a deadite and he was forced to chop her up with the chainsaw. How his hand became possessed and he had to chop it off at the wrist. How when he spoke the correct words from the Necronomicon he managed to open a portal in time & space and suck all of the deadites into another dimension. How he accidentally went along for the ride and wound up in 12th century Scotland. How he practically single highhandedly saved the world from deadite domination, forged a peace treaty between two warring nations, and ensured the Necronomicon never falls into the wrong hands again. He even fell in love and was offered a chance to become king of Scotland. But he declined and returned to the 20th century. That was just over a year ago now. A whole year of telling people "Shot smart, shop S-Mart." Good God his life had become boring.

"I almost wish a deadite would show up so I can take you boys out to play," he says to the gun and the chainsaw.

Just then the entire house starts shaking, and there's a terrible loud groan, like that of a creaky old floorboard, coming from the front of the house.

"Almost!" Ash shouts up at the heavens, "I said I _almost_ wish some deadites will show up!"

Then with a terrible 'crack' the front of the house tears away and flies off into a vortex. Ash lunges and grabs the mantle of the fireplace as his furniture and electronics go flying out the hole in the wall.

"Dammit!" He shouts against the wind, "This place is a rental!"

He looks over his shoulder and sees his new truck flying into the vortex as well.

"I just bought that!" He protests.

His shotgun flies from its hooks on the wall, nearly hitting Ash in the face. The near miss caused him to lose his grip with his left hand, and only the superhuman strength of his mechanical hand saved him from following the weapon into the vortex. He watches as the gun and the bandolier of ammo that he keeps hanging on the wall go hurtling through time and space.

"Son of a bi . . ."

He is cut off in mid-sentence as the chainsaw flies off of its hooks and the motor hits him squarely in the face. Ash loses his grip on the mantle and flies off into the vortex with his chainsaw.

"Oh shiiiiiiiiiiii . . ."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Three companions are riding across the ruined landscape several miles outside of the city that was once known as Washington DC. In the lead on a magnificent white stallion rides a large blonde haired warrior. He's six feet tall at the very least, with thick sinewy arms and legs. His muscles ripple with every movement as he controls his spirited mount. His hair is long and the colour of straw, his eyes blue as the sky and always wary for signs of danger. His boots and his clothes are made of the skins of some fur bearing animal. That and the animal tooth on a leather thong which he wears around his neck for luck mark him as a barbarian. On his wrists he wears a pair of bracers made of thick and strong leather. On his left bracer sits what appears to be a golden sword hilt. He is Thundarr The Barbarian, once a slave to the evil wizard Sabian, now running free in the world and aiding any who wish to be free of the tyranny of the wizards who control this land.

Next is an olive skinned woman with almond shaped eyes and long raven black hair, riding a chestnut mare with black mane and tail. She's wearing a blue leotard with gold trim, reminiscent of the one piece swimwear worn by recreational swimmers two thousand years ago. She has gold bracelets which run halfway up her forearms, and wears a gold circlet about her head. Her boots are also gold in colour and go up nearly to her knees. Her name is Princess Ariel, a sorceress of great power. She's also the stepdaughter of the wizard Sabian, and is the one that helped orchestrate Thundarr's daring escape. They've been inseparable ever since.

Bringing up the rear on a large yellow beast called an equart is a massive leonine humanoid, who combines the physical attributes of a man and a lion in much the same way minotaurs of ancient Greek myth combined the attributes of men and bulls. His body is covered in a sleek, catlike brown fur reminiscent of a cougar or puma, while his head is covered with a golden mane of a male lion. His face is covered in gray and black fur which pattern resembles a skull of some sort and making the creature look that much more fearsome. Not that he needs it, standing nearly 8' tall with massive incisors like those of the prehistoric sabretooth tiger. He wears a simple fur loincloth made of black animal skins, and matching fur boots, although this seems more a matter of modesty than it is a case of needing protection from the elements. His name is Ookla, a mok. He was once a slave to the wizard Sabian just as Thundarr was. During their escape, Thundarr had risked his life to save Ookla from certain death. Under mok tradition, Ookla owes Thundarr his life in payment. The barbarian is now considered by the other moks of Ookla's tribe to be his blood kin, and they treat him accordingly.

The three adventurers ride their mounts down the ancient desert road. In the middle of their path is an ancient metal dumpster, turned on its side and half buried in the dirt. Thundarr jumps the obstacle with his white stallion, clearing it easily. Princess Ariel jumps it next on her chestnut mare, and she too clears it with ease. Finally Ookla jumps it on his equart, and squashes the ancient receptacle flat. As they ride, they see the skies up ahead darken. Clouds circle about, releasing thunder and lightning. Strange lights emanate from within the center of the circling clouds. Then objects begin falling from the sky.

"Lords Of Light!" exclaims Thundarr, one of his most common expressions, "What is that up ahead."

"Whatever it is, it's not natural," says Ariel.

"A wizard's mischief?" asks Thundarr.

"Perhaps," replies the sorceress, "That or a sorcerer's spell gone very wrong."

"We won't find out standing here asking questions and guessing at answers," says Thundarr, "Let us investigate. Ariel! Ookla! RIIIIIDE!"

The three of them ride off towards where the objects had fallen from the sky. Elsewhere, Ash is lying on the hood of his pickup truck. The fall had driven the wind from his lungs and he blacked out due to lack of oxygen. Luckily he began breathing again as he was unconscious and was just now beginning to recover. He blinks his eyes several times, then rolls over and falls off the hood of the 4 x 4, landing face first in the dirt.

"Damn," he groans, "I hate that part."

The time traveler gets to his feet, although he has some trouble standing straight up. He forces himself to stand up straight really quickly, leaning back as far as his spine will go. There's a loud, audible 'crack' as he realigns his spine with a brief cry of pain. He then twists his head one way then the other, soliciting cracking sounds from his neck. With an audible sigh of relief, Ash goes about checking to see what he can salvage of the stuff that got dragged here from home.

"So much for my damage deposit," he says when he sees the wreckage from the front of his house.

He searches about and finds his bandolier and his double barreled shotgun. He slings the bandolier across his chest, loads his "boomstick", twirls it about on his finger, then shoves it into its carrying case across his back. He also finds his chainsaw, which he immediately puts in the bed of his pickup. Ever since his trip through time last year, he always made sure that his chainsaw was fully gassed up, and that he had several extra gas cans of gasoline in the bed of his truck. He also keeps plenty of ammo for the shotgun in his glove compartment, as well as near the shotgun itself (and stashed strategically in various places throughout the house). Once he has collected everything that could be salvaged from the wreckage, he starts taking in his surroundings. The road he landed on appears to be a cement highway, yet it is cracked and broken, and has grasses growing up through the many cracks and potholes. There is a road marker not far away which looks centuries old. Much of the sign is damaged and unreadable, but what is left appears to read "Washington: 50 miles". Ash looks up at the sky, and notices that the moon is split in two like a giant egg.

"What the hell happened here?" he asks out loud, even though there's no one around to answer.

As if in answer to his question, he hears the sound of hoofs galloping towards him in the distance. Thinking it a good idea to be prepared for the worst, Ash removes his mechanical hand and replaces it with the chainsaw, which he revs up. He pulls his trusty old boomstick from its carrying case on his back and waits for whatever's coming. Even with all he had seen since discovering that damned Necronomicon, Ash was still unprepared for what he saw coming around the bend. A big, blonde, muscle bound guy on a white horse who's dressed as though he's a _Dungeons & Dragons_ LARPer or Cosplayer. Next to him is a Chinese girl who looks like a _Sports Illustrated_ swimsuit model riding a brown horse with black mane. And bringing up the rear is something that looks like a wookiee from _Star Wars_ riding a . . . Ash didn't know what the hell it was riding, but it sure wasn't a horse. Ash fires a shot into the air, which brings these three to a sudden halt.

"That's close enough," says Ash, "Now who the hell are you people, and where the hell am I?"

"My name is Thundarr," replies the barbarian, "and these are my friends. This is the princess, Ariel, and Ookla."

"Ookla?" Ash says, "How'd you get that name? Were you born in a lab at UCLA and someone thought it would make a good name or something?"

Ookla and Thundarr look to Ariel for an explanation.

"UCLA was a school on Old Earth," she explains, "If you say the name like it were a word rather than initials, it would sound the same as Ookla." To Ash she says, "Ookla is a mok, not a science experiment. And his name is fairly common for his race. Like the name 'John' is among humans."

"If you say so, sister," replies Ash.

"Did you happen to see the objects that fell from the sky earlier?" Thundarr asks.

"You could say that I had a birds' eye view of it there, Barney Rubble," replies Ash, "I _was_ one of those objects that fell from the sky."

Thundarr turns to Ariel, "Who is 'Barney Rubble'?" He asks.

Ariel shrugs her shoulders. That was a new one for her as well.

"Who are you?" Ariel asks the stranger.

"Ashley J. Williams," he replies, "Most people call me 'Ash'."

"What are you doing here?" She asks, "Why did you fall from the sky?"

"Best guess?" Ash says, "Some ass hat read from the Necronomicon and the fates dragged my sorry butt from my home in the twentieth century to restore the balance. What year is it anyway?"

"By our calendar it's 2006 PC. That would make it about 4000 AD by your calendar."

"2006 PC? What's the PC stand for?"

"Post Cataclysm," says Ariel.

"Wait! You mean to say all this is gonna happen in 1994?"

"That's when the comet passed between the Earth and the moon, yes."

"Great," says Ash, "I get home and the world's gonna end in a year."

"What was this _Necronomicon_ you spoke of?" Thundarr asks.

"None of your business, Goldilocks," says Ash, "If the deadites have risen again, it's my job to send them back to Hell."

Thundarr gets down off his horse and storms towards Ash. "My name is Thundarr! Not 'Goldilocks'! And if this . . . 'Ass-hat' . . . Who has read from your _Necronomicon_ is an evil wizard, then stopping him is my business!"

Ash brings his chainsaw up between him and the advancing barbarian and revs the motor. "Don't make me use this on you, He-Man," he says.

Thundarr grabs the Sunsword from his wrist and ignites the blade with a thought, then quickly cuts through the blade of the chainsaw. Pieces of the blade go flying, narrowly missing both Thundarr's and Ash's faces. Ash points his gun at the barbarian, but it quickly becomes red hot and he has to drop it. As the shotgun hits the ground the second shot discharges harmlessly into the highway. Ash looks up at Ariel, whose hands are glowing with yellow energy. Ookla is also taking aim at Ash with his powerful mok composite bow, although it seems strange to Ash that the arrow has a ball on the end rather than a pointed arrow head. Ash raises his hands in surrender.

"I guess I could have worse traveling companions," he says, "You wanna put your lightsaber away there Luke?"

Thundarr extinguishes the blade of his Sunsword and puts it away on his bracer.

"My name is Thundarr, not Luke. And it is called a Sunsword, not a lightsaber."

Ash removes what's left of his chainsaw and drops it on the ground. Then after replacing it with his mechanical hand, he picks up the shotgun and reloads it before putting it back in its case. Then he looks down at the chainsaw and shakes his head.

"Too bad you had to ruin the ol' Chopomatic," he says, "it's a handy tool to have around when disposing of deadites."

"Here," says Ariel, "Let me."

She casts a spell and all of the pieces rise up into the air and reform, repairing the damage and making the saw as good as new once more. Ash inspects the blade and there's no sign that it had even been damaged.

"Wow," he says, "Thanks, sugar tits."

"Sugar _what?_" asks Ariel with a dangerous edge to her voice.

"Ummmm . . . Never mind," says Ash as he puts the chainsaw in the truck.

"Tell me of this _Necronomicon_ you spoke of," says Ariel, "What is it? What does it do?"

"Cliff-notes version?" Says Ash, "It's an ancient Sumerian text, filled with ancient burial rights and spells for opening interdimensional portals in time and space. It's written in human blood and bound in leather made of human flesh. If you read from it, you can summon an entire army of deadites, which can then possess any dead bodies that's nearby, animating them. If someone from your time has read from this book, the whole damn world is in serious trouble."

"Then let us waste no more time," says Thundarr, "Ookla! Ariel! To the horses!"

The three of them mount back up as Ash gets into his truck and starts up the engine.

"Where to?" Thundarr asks.

"The portal dropped me just outside Washington DC," says Ash, "I say we head straight to the nation's capitol."

"Ariel! Ookla! RIIIDE!"

Thundarr, Ariel, and Ookla ride past Ash's truck towards the ancient city. Ash revs up the engine of his 4 x 4 and drives after them. While he could easily outdistance them in his truck, he has an uneasy feeling that he was going to be needing these strangers help very shortly. Besides, he could think of worse things to look at than the backside of that Ariel chick.

After traveling for several miles along the highway towards Washington, the four companions stop in their tracks at the sight of a young woman carrying an infant and running for her life from a group of sword wielding skeletons. One of them nearly catches her, but just as it's about to grab her by the hair, Ookla shoots its head off with a stun arrow. The arrow's enchantment has no effect on the skeleton, but it is now effectively blinded and stumbling into its comrades.

"Those are deadites, I presume," says Ariel.

"Ya better believe it, sister," replies Ash.

He puts his truck into gear and drives past his three companions, crashing into the deadites and mowing down all those in his path. Thundarr grabs the Sunsword from his wrist and ignites the blade.

"Ariel! Ookla! Into battle!" He cries as he charges his stallion towards the deadites. "Yaaaaa-heee!" He shouts his infamous battle cry.

Ookla charges close behind, with Ariel staying back to protect her friends with her magic. Thundarr crashes into the deadite's ranks like a whirlwind, cutting them down with each swipe of his mighty Sunsword. Ookla finds his bow is more useful as a club than as a bow when battling animated skeletons. And Princess Ariel just blasts any deadite that gets too close to pieces with her magic.

After Ash's first assault with his vehicle, he pulls a u-turn and tries for another run. The deadites had learned their lesson about staying clear of the truck this time around, however, thus his second charge is less effective. When he sees his new traveling companions right in the thick of things, Ash brings the truck to a skidding stop, bowling over a few deadites in the process. A deadite comes charging at him with its ax raised to strike. Ash waits for the last second before throwing the truck door open, slamming it into the deadite and knocking it to the ground. A second deadite tries to impale Ash with its spear, but the clumsy attack is sidestepped and Ash punches the deadite's block off with his mechanical hand . . . literally. A third deadite tries to decapitate the time traveler with its sword, but Ash catches the blade in his metal hand.

"Chosen One!" Says the skeleton in surprise.

"That's right," says Ash as he draws his 'boomstick' puts the barrels under the deadite's chin. If skeletons could look frightened, this one did . . . a split second before Ash blasts its skull into dust. Another deadite turns towards Ash at the noise, and it too gets its head blown to bits.

Ash quickly removes the mechanical hand from his wrist and replaces it with the chainsaw, which he revs up. Then he takes the captured sword up in his left hand and heads straight towards the nearest group of deadites.

"Groovy," he says.

Then with chainsaw in one hand, and sword in the other, he starts cutting down the deadites. Working together, Ash, Thundarr, Ariel, and Ookla make short work of the deadites. Those that weren't destroyed fled shouting, "It's the Chosen One! Retreat! RETREAT!"

Ash rejoins his new found companions. All three of them are looking at him with new respect.

"Those were deadites?" Thundarr asks, "Not very formidable warriors."

"What happened?" Ariel asks the young mother.

"It was terrible!" She cries, "The dead just rose up and attacked us. They killed everyone they met, then those they killed rose up and joined them. There were too many of them, we couldn't fight them. So we fled. They chased after us. Those who were with me were killed. I don't know if any others got out alive."

"Stick to the road, honey," says Ash, "and don't stop for nothin' or no one. As far as we can tell, all the deadites are behind you, heading that way. There aren't any behind us, so you should be safe as long as you keep heading in the direction we came from."

"Where will you be going?" Asks the woman.

"Where else?" Ash says, "We're going to be following the deadites back towards Washington, of course."

The young mother turns and runs off along the ancient highway. Ash gets back into his 4 x 4, and Thundarr and the others mount their horses, then the four of them all head off after the deadites. Amazingly they don't encounter any more deadites as they get closer to the city. Ash isn't sure whether or not this is a good thing. Neither do his companions.

"I have a bad feeling about this," says Ariel.

"Aye," says Thundarr, "It's too quiet."

"I would have expected the deadites to ambush us by now," says Ash.

Ookla says something in the mok tongue.

"Ookla agrees with you," translates Thundarr.

"We better stay sharp," says Ash, "The deadites could come at us from anywhere, at any time."

Soon the road comes to an impassible barrier. None of the horses or Ash's truck can go any further. Thundarr, Ariel, and Ookla all dismount and Ash gets out of his pick up.

"I don't recall this being here last time we were here," says Ariel.

"It looks recent," agrees Thundarr.

"It's the Necronomicon," says Ash, "It's fortifying its position. It put this up to keep people from getting out as much as to keep us from getting in."

"Then we continue on on foot," declares Thundarr.

"Great deduction, Sherlock," says Ash.

"The name's _Thundarr_," growls the barbarian, obviously frustrated at Ash's obscure pop culture references and jokes.

"Whatever, Goldilocks," replies Ash, "Whattaya say we get a move on, huh?"

With that, Ash starts climbing the barrier. Thundarr glares after the time traveler.

"Ariel. Ookla. Follow me," he says through clenched teeth as he too begins to climb the barrier.

When the barbarian, the sorceress, and the mok reach the top of the barrier, they see Ash just standing there looking out over the devastation. The Washington Monument is lying on its side. The statue of Abraham Lincoln from the Lincoln Memorial is decapitated. Off in the distance, The White House is in ruins. Ash drops down to his knees.

"You maniacs!" He yells, "You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to Hell!"

Thundarr looks to Ariel. "Has he lost his mind?" He asks.

Princess Ariel simply shrugs her shoulders in reply. Ash looks up at the sorceress, then over to the barbarian, then back again, seeing their utter confusion.

"I guess Charlton Heston movies didn't survive into the 40th Century, huh?" He says.

"I'm afraid not," agrees the princess.

"Damn," says Ash as he gets back to his feet, "_Planet Of The Apes_ was my favorite movie."

"Enough talk!" Says Thundarr as he begins climbing down the other side of the barrier, "We have an army to destroy."

Ash bows to Ariel and allows her to go on ahead. Ookla just pushes past the time traveler and follows the sorceress. Ash takes up the rear.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Thundarr, Princess Ariel, Ookla, and Ash regroup at the bottom of the dirt wall. There are many thick trees and thorny bushes all about them, making seeing the enemy very difficult. There are two well traveled paths leading in opposite directions, likely guard trails. Thundarr looks over their options thoughtfully.

"So which way should we take?" asks the barbarian.

"If my opinion counts for anything," says Ash, "I say we split up. Luke Skywalker and Chewbacca here can take the path on the right, while Princess Leia and myself take the left."

Thundarr grabs Ash by the throat in frustration. "Listen!" he growls through clenched teeth, "My name _is Thundarr_! _Not_ Barney Rubble. _Not_ Goldilocks _Not_ Luke Skywalker. My friends' names are _Ookla_ _and Ariel. Not_ _Chewbacca. Not_ Leia. I don't know who these other people are, but we are _not_ them. If you want our help in defeating these deadites, I highly suggest you get it right. Or you may very well be fighting this army of the dead alone. Understand?"

"Yeah," says Ash in a strained voice, "Sure. No problem."

Thundarr releases Ash, who rubs his injured throat.

"Despite Ash's ill attempts at humor," says Ariel, "he does raise a valid point. We will cover more ground if we split up. And I'm less likely to kill him out of sheer frustration than either of you two."

"Very well," agrees Thundarr, "You and ash take that trail. Ookla and I will take the other path. If you get into trouble, fire a magical burst into the air. Ookla and I will come to your aid as soon as we can."

"And if you get into trouble?" says Ash.

"Ookla will throw a deadite into the air," says Thundarr, "So keep your eyes open."

"Right," says Ash.

"Actually," says Ariel, "he's not joking."

"I'll keep that in mind Princess . . . I mean, Ariel."

"Come on," says Ariel, "Let's go before you give Thundarr any more reason to forget which side you're on."

Thundarr and Ookla head off to the right, with Thundarr glaring over his shoulder at Ash. Ash gives Thundarr a smug look and takes the other path with Ariel. The sorceress and the time traveler walk in silence for several minutes (a personal record for the chatterbox Ash) before ash finally couldn't stand it any more and has to say something.

"So how long have you and the Jedi Master there been together?" he asks.

"What's a Jedi Master?" asks Ariel.

"I guess no one in the Forty First Century has heard of the _Star Wars_ movies either, huh?"

"No, I'm afraid not."

"Damn!" he says, "All the good stuff is gone."

"So?"

"Jedi knights are fictional heroes in a series of films called _Star Wars_," explains Ash, "The main character in the movies is one named Luke Skywalker, and eager blonde kid who kinda looks like your friend, just not as big. Jedi knights fight with weapons called light sabers, which are very much like your friend's Sunsword."

"Ah," says Ariel, "Now I understand your references to Thundarr as Luke. And Chewbacca?"

"Chewbacca's a friend of Luke's. A big hairy creature called a wookiee, kinda like your friend Ookla. He can understand human speech, but he can't mimic it, so others have to translate for him."

"Like Luke?"

"Actually, his best friend Han Solo."

"Then who is Princess Leia?" she asks.

"A headstrong woman, beautiful and intelligent, who winds up falling for Han," he replies.

"Why not fall in love with Luke?"

"Because in the final movie it's revealed that they're brother and sister," says Ash, "Twins, in fact. And even for royalty, that's . . . icky."

"I see," says Ariel.

"You never answered my question," says Ash, "How long have you and Blondie been together?"

"His name is _Thundarr_," says Ariel, "And if you don't start calling him by his proper name, I'm going to get . . . cranky."

"My apologies, Your Worship," says Ash, "So how long have you and _Thundarr_ been together?"

"A little over six years," she says, "He was enslaved by my stepfather, an evil wizard named Sabian. I helped orchestrate an escape of all of his slaves. Thundarr, Ookla, and I have been traveling together ever since."

"So is your partnership horizontal in nature?" he asks, "Or strictly platonic?"

"_That_," says Ariel, "is none of your damn business."

"I guess I touched a nerve," says Ash.

"Why don't we just not talk anymore?" suggests Ariel.

"Whatever you say Princess," replies Ash.

Elsewhere, Thundarr and Ookla are marching along the right hand path. Thundarr is fuming mad and slashing through every obstacle in his path with his Sunsword, even things that aren't in their way. Ookla growls something to his friend.

"I don't like that Ashley J. Williams," says Thundarr, "He irritates me."

Ookla growls a reply.

"Aye, old friend. I know he's fought these deadites before. But he behaves as though he's the only one who has ever battled an evil wizard. We seem to be fighting another wizard every week."

Ookla replies to Thundarr's remark.

"That's true," says the barbarian, "But just because he's new to our time is no excuse. In fact, he should show us _more _respect because he's new here. _We_ are the ones who know the way things are here, not this Ash person."

Ookla asks Thundarr a question.

"What?" says Thundarr, "No, I'm not jealous of Ash! Why would I be?"

Ookla replies to the question.

"What?" says Thundarr, "Ash and Ariel? Never! Why would Ariel be attracted to that buffoon?"

Ookla growls a reply.

"Well, yes she has always had an interest in ancient history. But that doesn't mean she would be romantically interested in Ash."

Ookla asks Thundarr a question.

"Me? Romantic feelings for Ariel? I . . . I don't know."

Ookla makes another comment.

"I'm not jealous of Ash and Ariel! I just think she could do so much better, that's all."

Ookla says something else to Thundarr.

"Look," says the barbarian, "even if I _were_ jealous of any attraction Ash and Ariel might feel towards each other, which I'm _not_, now is _not_ the time to discuss it. We're making so much noise, half the deadites in Washington must know we're here by now."

"Actually,_barbarian_," says a voice behind them, "_every_ deadite in Washington has known you are here for some time now."

Thundarr and Ookla turn around and see a host of deadites standing behind them. He and Ookla had been so busy talking that they didn't even hear them sneaking up behind them. Thundarr silently curses Ash's name. He'd never have been taken by surprise if he weren't so angry and . . . jealous, though he'd never admit it to Ookla . . . at the time traveler. Thundarr stands there with his Sunsword at the ready and Ookla at his back. The lead deadite points at them with his sword.

"Take them!" he says, and the horde of deadites charges the barbarian and the mok.

On the other side of the city, Ash and Ariel are trying to see what they can learn about the deadite army. Oddly enough, they have yet to meet a single deadite yet. While that seemed a good thing at first, it's beginning to worry both Ash and Ariel. It's like the deep breath before the plunge, the stillness before the quake, the calm before the storm. Whichever cliche you prefer, the time traveler and the sorceress both have an uneasy feeling. Suddenly the silence is broken by someone screaming from up above. The two companions look up and see a skeleton falling from the sky, flailing its arms and legs, and screaming in terror. Both Ash and Ariel step out of the falling deadite's way and it smashes into a couple hundred pieces at their feet. The skull rolls over to Ash's feet.

"Owwww," says the deadite, "That hurt."

"Not as much as this will," says Ash as he raises his foot.

The deadite's jaw drops open as it watches Ash's foot come down on it, shattering the skull into powder.

"I guess Ookla wasn't kidding about his signal for help," says the time traveler.

"Glad to see you finally got his name right," says Ariel, "Now let's get over to Thundarr and Ookla! They need our help!"

"Right behind you, Princess," says Ash.

Princess Ariel uses her magic to separate the bushes, and she and Ash dash out . . . right into the host of deadites. The lead deadite points its sword at the two heroes.

"Get Them!" it commands its troops.

Ash pulls out his shotgun and shoots the lead deadite in the head, causing its skull to explode. The deadite collapses to the ground, quite dead.

"So much for the stealthy approach," says Ariel.

"Let's hook up with your boy toy and give these bone heads what for!" replies Ash.

"He's _not_ my boy toy!" says Ariel, "But I agree with your strategy!"

The two of them charge into the throng of deadites, Ash leading the way with his chainsaw and boomstick, Ariel clearing a path for him with her spells. As she's blasting deadites with her magic, she takes a second to launch a spell into the air, which explodes like a rocket on the Fourth Of July. On the other side of the battlefield, Thundarr and Ookla see the signal flare.

"Ookla, look!" says Thundarr, "Ariel is in trouble!"

Ookla picks up a pair of deadites and smashes their heads together, sandwiching a third deadites skull in between them, crushing all three into dust. He howls in reply and starts charging towards the signal flare. Thundarr follows close behind, cutting deadites down with his Sunsword.

"Hurry Ookla!" says Thundarr, "We can't leave Ariel to battle these deadites alone!"

Ookla roars a reply.

"Aye," says Thundarr, "I remember that Ash is with her! That's what worries me!"

Ash and Ariel are fighting desperately as they battle their way through the deadite army. It seems for every deadite they destroy, two more take its place. Yet they see the skeletal forms of deadites flying away in an area not too far from them, and the source of these air-born corpses is getting closer. They adjust their direction to meet up with the hard fighting barbarian and mok. Ariel quickly launches another signal flare into the sky to let Thundarr and Ookla know that they're heading in the right direction.

Thundarr sees the next signal flare and charges into the deadites with renewed fury. The deadites fall to his Sunsword two or three at a time, yet for every deadite he slays, two more take its place. Ookla smashes through the deadite army with his mighty fists. Each hit obliterates the skeletal deadite that's hit. Those that still have flesh enough to not explode into powder from a single hit gets launched into the air, coming down several hundred feet from where it was struck. But despite their success in cutting a swath through the army before them, it still seems a losing battle. It feels as though they're trying to drain the worlds oceans with a bucket.

Eventually, Ash and Princess Ariel are able to meet up with Thundarr and Ookla. Despite being surrounded on all sides, the four heroes fight with renewed hope and vigor. Ash has discarded his shotgun, as reloading it in the heat of battle is problematic at best. He keeps his chainsaw, and dishes out some serious deadite casualties with his preferred weapon. Thundarr cuts the arm off of a deadite, sending the limb spinning through the air still clutching its battle-ax. Ash snatches the falling ax out of the air with his off hand and uses it to split a deadite skull.

"Bitchin'!" he says, and continues to swing the ax in his off hand in harmony with the chainsaw replacing his right hand.

Ookla picks up a fleshy deadite by the ankles and uses it as a club to smash the other deadites. Thundarr continue to cut them down with his mighty Sunsword. And Princess Ariel blasts them to pieces with her magic. Their clothes are torn, their skin is scratched up, they're sweating profusely, and they're out of breath, yet still they fight on. The four of them form a circle, standing shoulder to shoulder, facing outwards towards the deadites. The battlefield is littered with the smashed remains of the undead they had fought, and yet there are still legions more. The deadites surround them, aiming their spears at them, yet not advancing. The heroes don't know whether to be relieved or worried. They finally have a chance to catch their breath, but deadites don't fear death, so they have to ask themselves what's holding them back.

"Well," says Ash, "We're either about to die, or Gandalf and the Rohirim are about to come riding to our rescue."

"Who?" asks Thundarr.

"Never mind," replies Ash.

Just then, war drums are pounding out a cadence at the back of the skeletal horde. The barbarian, the sorceress, the mok, and the time traveler, see that the army is parting to let someone, or something, through their ranks.

"I don't think Gandalf is going to be showing up," says Ariel, "More likely it's the Balrog."

Ash looks at the sorceress with a curious expression on his face.

"What?" says Ariel, "There was a copy of _The Lord Of The Rings_ in my stepfather's library."

The army of darkness separates and the deadite possessed wizard Infernus floats past his undead minions, hovering on a throne of human bones. Clutched in his clawed hands is the dreaded Necronomicon. He glares at the four of them, hatred burning in his red glowing eyes. Thundarr returns the wizard's glare with one of his own. The barbarian has neither forgotten, nor forgiven, the wizard for trying to kill him, Ariel, and Ookla, after they had rescued him from a pack of werewolves. Thundarr bares his teeth in anger, and Ookla howls at the wizard in rage.

"Now, _barbarian_," says Infernus, "I shall take my revenge on you for destroying my magic staff, and leaving me helpless at the hands of my enemies! You shall suffer as none have ever suffered before, and then you shall join my Army Of Darkness!"

"Never!" cries Thundarr, and he charges the wizard with his Sunsword held high.

Infernus blasts the barbarian with a magical bolt that shoots forth from his eyes. Thundarr is too tired and weak from the long battle to get his Sunsword in line to block quickly enough. The magical attack hits him square in the chest, knocking him unconscious. Ariel retaliates with a spell of her own, but Infernus simply holds up his hand and deflects the energy back at her, knocking her out as well. Ookla and Ash both charge Infernus together, but two quick bursts from the wizards eyes soon puts them both out of commission. With a wave of his hand, Thundarr's Sunsword and Ash's chainsaw glow an eerie red and float over to the wizard's throne. The hovering throne then turns about and floats away.

"Tie them up and throw them in The Pit," says the wizard casually as he departs.

The deadites quickly run to do their master's bidding. They pick up the four heroes, bind them tightly with rope, and carry them off. They bring the humans and the mok to a huge, deep, black pit, and throw them in. Then they all walk away laughing.

"The Beast will eat well this night," says one of the deadites as they leave Thundarr, Ariel, Ookla, and Ash to their fates, and the other skeletons all cheer in agreement.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Ash wakes up several minutes later with a groan. He blinks his eyes to adjust them to the darkness and sees Princess Ariel lying next to him, her arms bound to her sides with strong rope. He looks over and sees Thundarr and Ookla are also still unconscious and similarly bound. Ash forces himself up to his knees and shakes his head vigorously in an attempt to clear away the grogginess.

"I hate it when that happens," he says to himself.

Then he starts struggling against his ropes, pulling down on them with his hand in an attempt to get them over the stump of his right wrist.

"Good thing about deadites," he says, "Unless they're in control of the book they're generally pretty dumb."

He manages to get some of the ropes down over the stump of his wrist. Then some more. Then still some more. Soon his right arm is free and he can wriggle his left arm out of the ropes easily enough. Now that he's freed himself, Ash goes over and tries to help Ariel.

Unfortunately, while having only one hand is a great help in freeing himself, it's also a great hindrance in untying other people. The knots in the rope are so tight, he needs two hands to undo them. Ash looks around for something he can cut the ropes with. He finds the jaw bone of some sort of creature. Judging by its predatory teeth, Ash guesses that it must be from a mok. He places the jaw bone down on a large rock, picks up a smaller rock, and smashes it.

Ash picks up a broken piece of the mok jaw, which now somewhat resembles a saw type of tool, and starts sawing away at Ariel's ropes. In a short time the rope breaks and Ash unties the sorceress. He then starts gently slapping her cheeks in an attempt to revive her.

"C'mon," he says, "wakey wakey, Princess."

"Mmmmmm," groans Ariel as she begins to come around, "What happened?"

"That deadite with the book clobbered us," replies Ash, "Then I'm guessing he had his lackeys tie us up and toss us down here. Are you alright?"

"I'll live," she says as she tries to get to her feet.

Ash takes her by the arm and helps her up. Once she manages to stand on her own, she starts to look around.

"Where are Thundarr and Ookla," she asks.

"Right over there," replies Ash as he points over to the unconscious barbarian and mok.

"I figured it would be smarter to free you first, as you still have your magic and I kinda doubt Thundarr has his Sunsword on him. Especially considering I don't have my chainsaw."

"Good thinking," says Ariel.

The sorceress holds her hand out towards her friends, and a ray of yellow energy flows from her fingertips and makes the ropes binding her friends vanish. She and Ash then go over to Thundarr and Ookla and try to revive the two of them.

"C'mon Sleeping Beauty," says Ash as he pats Thundarr's cheeks, "time to wake up. Hey Goldilocks, you gotta get up before the three bears come home and find you sleeping in their bed."

"Three bears?" Ariel says.

"You mean you've read _The Lord Of The Rings_ but never Goldilocks_ And The Three Bears_?" Ash replies.

"Sorry," says Ariel.

Just then both Thundarr and Ookla begin to come to. Ash and Ariel help them up to their feet.

"Come on, big guy," says Ash, "Wakey wakey, hands off snakey."

"Hands off . . . What?" Thundarr asks as he becomes more coherent.

"Never mind," says Ash.

"What happened?" asks Thundarr, "Where are we?"

"What happened is we pretty much got our asses handed to us by the wizard with the book," explains Ash, "And as for where we are, it looks to me like the lair of some man eating beast."

"How do you know?"

"Call it an educated guess."

Just then there's a loud noise coming from the darkness of the cave off to the side. It sounds like the groaning and grinding of gears as a heavy metal door or portcullis is being raised.

"Please tell me that was Ookla's stomach," says Ash.

"I don't think so," says Ariel.

They then hear the sound of some great beast growling.

"I don't think that was either," says the sorceress.

The four of them stand there amongst the various human and mutant bones and watch the blackness of the cave as they await whatever is coming for them. Then they see a huge clawed scaly foot step out of the darkness and into the light. About thirty feet up they see the beasts head come into the light. It has a massive jaw filled with razor sharp teeth the size of daggers. It looks down at its prey with drool dripping from its maw.

"Oh great," says Ash, "a rancor."

Then the creature comes more fully into the light, and it looks down upon its prey with its other head.

"Correction," says Ash, "Make that a two headed rancor."

"Rancor?" Says Ariel, "You mean there were creatures such as these back in the Twentieth Century?"

"Not exactly," replies Ash, "Remember those _Star Wars_ movies I told you about? There was a creature that looked very much like this thing in the third film, only it had just one head. It was called a rancor."

Just then the creature charges the four companions, its clawed hands reaching out to grab its prey. Princess Ariel raises her hands above her head and blasts the creature in its eyes, blinding both heads. It rears its head back and roars in anger and pain. Ariel then hurls more magic at the creature, this time binding its mouths shut. As the beast is clawing at its mouths in an attempt to free itself from Ariel's spell, Ash makes a mad dash between its legs.

"Follow me!" He exclaims.

Thundarr, Ariel, and Ookla follow him past the beast. They run down a long, wide tunnel, through an open heavy iron gate, and into the creature's sleeping chamber. There they discover a smaller iron door, used for maintenance purposes, closed and locked.

"How did you know this would be here?" Thundarr asks.

"Educated guess," replies Ash.

Just then they hear the unmistakable sound of the beast breaking free of Ariel's spell. Ash looks up at the heavy iron gate that keeps the beast inside its chamber. The bottom of the gate is made up of gigantic spikes, which fit perfectly into holes carved into the floor.

"Hey Princess!" says Ash, "Can you use your magic to bring that portcullis down?"

"Sure," replies Ariel.

"Then wait for my signal, then bring it down as hard as you can."

They hear the beast charging into the tunnel after them. Just as the creature's head is about to pass through the gate, Ash gives Ariel the signal.

"Now!" he says.

Princess Ariel blasts the portcullis with her magic, bringing it down on the beast's head with all the force she could muster. The gigantic spikes on the bottom impale the beast's spines, killing it. Thundarr pats Ash on the back.

"Nicely done," congratulates the barbarian.

"Hey, it worked in the movie," says Ash with a shrug.

"So now how do we get out of here?" asks Ariel.

Ookla walks over to the iron door, grabs hold of it, and then rips it right off of its hinges. The mok tosses the door away and then motions for his friends to exit the chamber.

"Y'know," says Ash, "I think I'm starting to like him."

Ookla growls something, which causes Thundarr to chuckle.

"He says the feeling is mutual," translates the barbarian.

Then the four of them exit the _rancor pit_ and head off to find and defeat the wizard Infernus.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Just outside the tunnel that leads to the maintenance tunnel of the two headed _rancor_, two skeletal deadites are standing guard. Their wickedly barbed spears gleam in the moonlight. They suddenly hear a low growl coming from somewhere. One of the deadites turns to the other.

"Did you hear that?" He asks.

"Of course I did," replies the other, "So eat something why don'tcha."

"What are you talking about?" Asks the first deadite.

"Go eat something," repeats the other deadite, "Your stomach's growling."

"We're skeletons, you idiot," he replies, "We don't _have_stomachs."

Then they hear the growl again, louder this time. The two deadites turn and look at each other. Then they turn and look into the tunnel they've been assigned to guard. Staring back at them is a pair of yellow, catlike eyes. Before the deadites can react, a pair of large hairy hands, each one sporting three clawed fingers and opposable thumb, reach out of the darkness and grabs them both by the face. Ookla steps out of the shadows lifting the deadites up off the ground. With a mad roar he crushes their skulls and slams their boney bodies into the ground, smashing them to pieces.

Thundarr, Ariel, and Ash step out of the shadows. The barbarian stoops down and retrieves a steel sword from the deadite remains.

"It's not The Sunsword," says Thundarr, "but it will do until we can get it back."

"You know," says Ash, "between his howling and your blasting everything in sight it's a wonder the whole station doesn't know we're here."

"Station?" Thundarr says, "What station?"

"Right," says Ash, shaking his head, "You've never seen _Star Wars_."

"I'm getting very tired of your jokes," growls Thundarr.

Ookla growls something in his bestial tongue, but judging from his nodding his head, he seems to be agreeing with his friend.

"I'm sure they would be funny if we were familiar with the source material," says Princess Ariel as she tries to play peace keeper.

Ash pulls a sword from the pile of bones that once stood guard at this tunnel entrance. He gives the princess an appreciative smile.

"Sorry," he says, "Just my way of dealing with this stuff. So what's the plan?"

"The plan," says Thundarr, "is to get my Sunsword back, and then defeat Infernus once and for all."

"_That_ is your plan?" Ash says in disbelief, "We got our asses handed to us last time when you _did_have your Sunsword! Now you wanna take Infernus on with just a couple of metal swords? I don't even have my metal hand for Christ's sake!"

"I don't know who that is, but it doesn't matter!" Says Thundarr, "It seems like every other week, some evil wizard is capturing us and taking my Sunsword. And every time that happens, we get my Sunsword back and defeat them!"

"Okay," says Ash, "But did any of them have access to the Necronomicon? Or an army of deadites at his disposal?"

"No," admits Thundarr, "But we did defeat the wizard Sholo when he had acquired The Helmet Of Power."

"And then there was the time we defeated Argoth, The Wizard With A Thousand Eyes," adds Princess Ariel.

Ookla howls something in the mok tongue, to which Thundarr and Ariel nod their heads affermatively.

"What?" Ash asks, "What did he say?"

"He was just reminding us of the time the Sunsword was damaged by negative lightning," says Thundarr, "and an evil wizard named Yando was able to steal it and become its master, turning its power against us."

"To be fair," says Ariel, "Yando wasn't really a wizard. He was just a charletan using slight of hand and Old Earth stage magic."

"He still was able to use the Sunsword against us," argues Thundarr, "That made him dangerous, regardless of his true power."

"Okay! Okay, I get it!" Ash exclaims, "You've been in this type of situation before and managed to pull through. But that doesn't mean the odds aren't stacked against us."

"Don't tell me the odds," growls Thundarr, and he stalks off to search for the Sunsword.

"Are you _sure_ he's never seen _Star Wars_?" Ash asks Ariel.

"Positive," replies the sorceress, "He's never even seen a _movie_before."

"Well he did a fine Han Solo impersonation just then," says Ash as he moves to follow the barbarian.

"I'm sure he'll be _thrilled_to hear that," chuckles the princess as she follows the S-Mart employee.

Ookla chuckles as well as he brings up the rear. The four companions climb up a pile of ancient automobiles and take a look around. There are deadites milling about everywhere. The mere fact that they haven't been noticed yet is something of a minor miracle.

"Demon dogs!" hisses Thundarr, "Where do we even begin to look?"

"If my opinion means anything," says Ash, "I say we try looking in The White House."

"Which one?" Thundarr asks, "There must be hundreds of houses that are painted white."

"He means that large building with the broken domed roof," explains Ariel, pointing towards the building in question, "It was once the home of perhaps the most powerful man of Old Earth."

"A wizard?" Asks Thundarr.

"No, there were no wizards then," replies the sorceress, "His power was political, from commanding the grandest army the ancient world ever knew, armed with the deadliest weapons available."

"So why would Infernus want to dwell in _that_old ruin?"

"I have a feeling that this Infernus fella knows as much about Earth's history as your girlfriend here," says Ash, "I figure he'll wanna command from a place of power. And most of his army are from Old Earth. They'll appreciate the symbolism, even if they are dead."

"Makes sense to me," says Ariel.

"At least it makes sense to someone," says Thundarr, "I didn't understand a thing he said."

"Now you know how I feel every time your hairy friend here starts howling," replies Ash.

Ignoring Ash's remark, Thundarr asks, "So how do we get to this 'White House' without being noticed by all those deadites?"

"You mean you and Ookla aren't going to just charge in head first?" Ariel asks, genuinely surprised.

"Not without the Sunsword I'm not," replies Thundarr.

"I guess there's a first time for everything," says the sorceress.

"If we can make it to a manhole," says Ash, "we oughtta be able to get up close to the White House without being spotted."

"Man . . . Hole?" Says Thundarr.

"A maintenance entrance to ancient underground tunnels," explains Ariel, "They used to run all over beneath these ancient cities."

"And these tunnels can lead us into The White House without being seen?" Thundarr asks.

"I dunno," admits Ash, "But we can at least get to the front lawn without anyone seeing us. After that? Your guess is as good as mine, my friend."

"Then let us be on our way," says Thundarr, "The longer we delay, the greater the odds of us being spotted."

"I couldn't agree more, big guy," says Ash.

The four heroes climb down the pile of old cars and duck into an alley. They find a manhole cover, which Ookla picks up with ease. Thundarr climbs in first, climbing down the ancient iron ladder several feet before dropping down into the filthy sewer water. Next comes Princess Ariel, who immediately creates a glowing ball of light to see by. Ash climbs in next, splashing down next to his two companions. Ookla enters last. He has to suck in his gut and squeeze through the hole, but he manages to join his friends. He even thinks to put the heavy iron manhole cover back over the hole. Once they were all in the sewers together, they start walking in the direction they _think_ The White House is in.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

The four companions trudge through the filthy sewer water beneath the city streets. They come upon a set of iron rungs cemented into the wall, leading up to a heavy iron manhole cover.

"I think this is it," says Ash.

"Are you sure?" Ariel asks him, "This will make the ninth manhole we've checked."

"That seals it then," replies Ash, "Nine is my lucky number."

"We shall see," says Thundarr.

Ookla growls at Ash, then carefully climbs the ancient iron ladder. He must be careful not to accidentally pull the rungs out of the wall, as he has a tendancy to underestimate his own strength and break things, even while doing the simplest of tasks. When he gets to the manhole, he carefully lifts the lid and peaks out. He then gently lowers the manhole cover and climbs back down to his friends. He growls out a report to Thundarr, who simply nods sagely.

"Well?" Ash asks him, "What did he say?"

"It appears nine _is_ your lucky number," says the barbarian, "Ookla says this manhole is right in front of The White House."

"Any deadites around?" Ariel asks.

"Not that Ookla could see," replies Thundarr, "but they may be hiding."

"If Infernus thinks we're mutant chow," offers Ash, "he might not bother with lots of guards. As far as he's concerned, there's no one left to challenge his rule."

"That's a good point," agrees Ariel.

"Then let's not delay any longer," says Thundarr, "We must move swiftly."

Ookla growls his agreement, nodding his huge leonine head for Ash's benefit. The mok climbs back up the ladder, followed by Thundarr, then Princess Ariel, with Ash bringing up the rear. Of course, his eyes couldn't help but focus on the sorceress' rear. A fact that nearly cost him his footing on the iron ladder once or twice. Thundarr and Ookla help Ariel and Ash out of the manhole and Ash takes a nervous glance around.

"Quickly," he whispers, "Before someone sees us."

The time traveller makes a mad dash towards The White House front doors. Ariel follows close behind, with Thundarr and Ookla bringing up the rear this time. The four of them manage to get to the doors without being seen.

"Should we knock?" Ash asks.

"Somehow I don't think that would be a good idea," says Ariel.

Thundarr tries the door, and finds that it swings open with ease.

"It's unlocked," whispers the barbarian in surprise.

"Of course," says Ash, "Who would actually be stupid enough to actually try and attack the leader of the deadite army?"

"Me," says Thundarr, and he storms into the ancient building.

Ookla growls and follows his friend.

"You said it, not me," says Ash as he and Ariel quickly follow.

"Where to now?" Thundarr asks his companions.

"If I had to guess," says Ash, "I'd say that your wizard is probably running things from The Oval Office. That was where the seat of power was in this building. And as most of his deadite army were once US soldiers, and likely very patriotic, they'll likely treat him with greater respect if he were to command them from there."

"So where is this . . . Oval Office?" Thundarr asks him.

"It's been quite a while since my middle school field trip," says Ash, "but if I remember correctly, it's upstairs somewhere."

"Then let's go," says Thundarr, "And pray to The Lords Of Light that we may reach there unnoticed."

"Who are _The Lords Of Light_?" Ash whispers as they head towards the stairs.

"The gods of my people," replies Thundarr.

"Quiet," hisses Ariel, "We're _supposed_ to be _sneaking_ in. Remember? All your yammering's gonna get us all killed."

Ash pantomimes zipping his lips shut, then twists an imaginary key in the corner of his mouth. Then he cocks an eyebrow at the sorceress. Princess Ariel sighs in exasperation and continues on. The four companions quickly find the stairs and head up to the next floor. They then begin checking room after room for The Oval Office, for Ash remembers too little from his school field trip to be of much use as a guide.

They eventually find what they're looking for. And there, lying upon an ancient and battered desk, are Thundarr's Sunsword, as well as Ash's chainsaw and _Boomstick_. The two men quickly run over to the desk, with Ookla and Ariel following close behind. They discard the swords they had acquired from the deadite guards and replace them with their own weapons. Thundarr ignites the Sunsword's blade, as though inspecting it to see if Infernus had harmed it with his magic. Ash quickly reloads his shotgun, twirls it about on his finger, then sticks it back into its carrying case slung across his back. He then replaces the chainsaw on the stump of his wrist, locking it into place with an audible 'click'.

"Finally," he says, "I felt so naked without these with me."

"I know what you mean," agrees Thundarr, as he continues to admire the Sunsword's glow.

"I've got a bad feeling about this," says Ariel.

"Why?" Thundarr asks.

"This was too easy," she replies, "Infernus would never leave such dangerous items just lying about to be used against him."

"You think it might be a trap?" Asks Thundarr.

"It is a trap, _barbarian_," says a haunting yet familiar voice from the doorway, "And you took the bait!"

They turn and see Infernus standing in the doorway of The Oval Office, clutching The Necronomicon and surrounded by deadite soldiers. He steps aside and points a clawed finger at the four heroes.

"ATTACK!" He cries, and the deadites swarm into the room to do as their master commands.

A secret door in the wall bursts open, and even more deadites come pooring into The Oval Office. They too head straight towards the heroes, ready to fight and to be destroyed in the service of The Book.

"Okay ladies," says Ash as he revs up his chainsaw, "Let's dance."


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

As the deadites charge the four heroes, Ookla howls at them, picks up the ancient desk, and hurls it at the deadites pouring in through the secret door. The decrepit piece of furniture sails through the open door, smashing through the deadites like they were made of fine china. Thundarr and Ash slash their way through the deadites, cutting them down like farmers harvesting wheat. And Princess Ariel raises her hands over her head, unleashing rapid fire balls of energy, each one smashing a deadite to pieces upon impact.

One of the deadites gets close enough to Ookla to attempt to hit him with a heavy spiked mace. The mok grabs the mace, stopping it in mid-swing, and smashes the undead skeleton with his fist. He then smashes his way through the deadites between him and the secret door. When the mok reaches the door, Ookla slams it shut, right into the skeletal faces of the deadite reinforcements. He then grabs a discarded sword from the floor and drives the blade hilt deep into the floor right in front of the doorway. The deadites on the other side try and force the door open, but the sword is driven too deeply into the floor for them to hope to be able to move it.

Ash manages to fight his way to within striking distance of Infernus. Letting out a primal scream, The Chosen One swings his chainsaw hand at the wizard. With hardly an effort, Infernus catches Ash by the wrist and lifts him into the air. He turns a baleful glare upon his hated enemy, as Ash's feet dangle mere inches from the floor.

"Oh crap," says Ash, right before the wizard throws him hard into the wall, driving the air from his lungs.

Thundarr, Ariel, and Ookla make fairly short work of the deadites in the room before turning their attention towards Infurnus. Ariel blasts him with spell after spell, only to have Infernus deflect them with his hand as he did before. However this time she is prepared for this tactic, and when her magic is redirected at her, she similarly deflects it out the door, where it destroys numerous deadite reinforcements.

Thundarr tries to attack Infernus while he is distracted by his magical duel with Ariel. However, The Necronomicon has made the wizard far too powerful for such a simple tactic. As the barbarian approaches, Infernus shoots twin beams of energy at him from his eyes, all the while still deflecting Ariel's magical assault. But Thundarr, too, is more cautious in his attack. He deflects each of the wizard's attacks with his Sunsword, each time making his way just a little closer to being within striking distance.

Ookla picks up a heavy mace which had been dropped by one of the destroyed deadites. He looks at it for a moment, regretting having left his quiver of stun arrows and his mok composite bow back with his equart. He hopes this weapon would be powerful enough to aid his friends. He slips along the wall, hoping that Thundarr and Ariel's attacks will keep the wizard occupied long enough to allow Ookla to smash him with the mace.  
Luck was not with the mok this night. Stealth was never Ookla's strong point, and The Necronomicon has made Infernus unusually difficult to sneak up on with magically heightened senses. When Infernus notices Ookla trying to flank him, he deflects one of Princess Ariel's magical attacks at the mok rather than back at her. The blast catches Ookla square in the chest and drives him through the wall.

"Ookla!" Cries Thundarr, as he sees his friend taken out of the fight.

The barbarian's momentary distraction is just enough to give Infernus the upper hand. A magical blast from his eyes sends Thundarr flying across the room to land in a heap at the far end.

"Thundarr!" Cries Ariel.

Infernus tries to use the distraction to defeat the princess as well. Fortunately for Ariel, she is much quicker to react than her companions, and gets her magical shield up just in time. The wizard's magical attacks deflect off of Ariel's defensive spells. Infernus stalks towards her, his eyes glowing a malevolent red.

"Surrender, Princess," he says to her, "Join me, and perhaps you need not perish here today. With our powers combined, we would be a formidable team."

"Never!" Shouts the sorceress, "I'll never join with you!"

"Then I shall eat your soul," hisses the wizard.

Just then Infernus feels something tap him on the shoulder as someone behind him whistles to get his attention. He turns around and finds himself staring down the twin barrels of Ash's 'boomstick'.

"Hey, Mister Fancy Pants," says Ash, "Eat this," and he pulls the trigger of the shotgun.

With a loud 'BAM', Infernus' skull explodes, spraying Ariel with blood, brains, and gore. The wizard's headless body stands there for what seems like forever, as though the vile power of the book maintains his body even after such a grievous wound. Ash lowers the gun to point at the wizard's chest and empties the second barrel into it. The headless corpse flies backward, The Necronomicon flying free from its grasp. Whether from the physical separation from the book, from the two horrendous gunshot wounds, or a combination of the two, is hard to say. However after the second blast from Ash's 'boomstick', Infernus will never rise again. Ash walks over and helps Thundarr back to his feet.

"Are you alright?" He asks the barbarian.

"I'll be fine," replies Thundarr, "What happened?"

"We won," says Ash.

"Then let us be done with this evil!" Says Thundarr, and he ignites his Sunsword and runs up to The Necronomicon with the weapon held high.

"No, wait!" Shouts Ash, but he's too late.

Thundarr brings The Sunsword down upon The Necronomicon, driving its fiery blade through the infernal book. The moment the blade pierces the hideous cover, there is a blinding light and a loud explosion. Thundarr, Ariel, and Ash are all thrown against the office walls and fall to the floor. A great wave of energy sweeps across the ruined city. As the wave hits the deadites, they collapsed into piles of dead bodies and old bones.

Some time later, Princess Ariel begins to come to. She opens her eyes and blinks at the pain between her temples. She looks over to where the book was, but all that is left is a black mark from when the book exploded. As she tries to get up, she finds herself pinned down by an unconscious Ash, whose face is resting upon her breasts.

"You had better really be unconscious," says Ariel, as she rolls him off of her.

Ash lies on his back for several minutes before finally beginning to recover. Finally, The Chosen One begins to mumble and groan. As his thoughts begin to become more coherent, so too does his speech.

"Stupid, sword happy, half witted screwhead," he says, "Why the Hell did he have to do that?"

"What?" Asks Thundarr, who had just recovered himself, "It was the book that gave the wizard his powers. Without the book, no other wizard can raise an army of deadites."

"And without the book," says Ash, "_I_ can't get home, dumbass!"

"What did you call me?" Demands the barbarian as he ignites his Sunsword.

"You heard me, dumbass!" Ash replies, revving up his chainsaw.

"Hold on fellas," says Ariel as she steps between them, playing peace keeper, "Thundarr, you must admit destroying the book before we could use it to send Ash home was pretty rash."

"I suppose so," says Thundarr, still glaring at Ash.

"And Ash, you said yourself that The Cataclysm takes place one year after when The Necronomicon dragged you here," she says, "If you can't get back, you can't die in The Cataclysm."

"I guess you have a point," says Ash as he lowers his weapon.

"Then I suggest you two call a truce," says the sorceress, "What's done is done. And we still have work to do."

"Very well," says Thundarr, and he extinguishes the Sunsword and puts it away.

"Never could say 'no' to a beautiful woman," says Ash, and he turns off his 'Chopomatic'.

"Good," says Ariel, "Now let's go. We still have much to do."

The four of them turn and leave The White House. The next few days are spent cleaning up the deadites' remains. The skeletal ones are thrown into the empty graves from whence they came, although there is no way of telling which ones belong to which grave. Still, it seems the most respectful means of disposal. The few villagers who had survived the deadite attack return and help Thundarr, Ookla, Ariel, and Ash to bury their dead. Eventually, it comes time to part ways. Ash scavenges several books from the ruins of the Washington Public Library, where Infernus had taken up residence. He finds several books on petroleum and petroleum products, and loads them into his truck.

"Well, looks like this is it," says Ash.

"Where will you go?" Ariel asks him, "And what will you do?"

"I figure I'll head down to Texas first," says Ash, "I've got enough fuel to last me a while, but it'll eventually run out. There were a lot of oil wells near Dallas, back in my day. If the oil's still there, I might be able to use the information in these books to convert it into gasoline. If so, I oughtta be able to keep my truck and Chopomatic running for years. After that, who knows? Maybe I'll travel around kicking wizard butt like you guys."

"Then the wizards will surely be in trouble," laughs Ariel.

Ash turns to Thundarr and extends his mechanical hand to the barbarian. "We didn't always see eye to eye, but I'm glad we're on the same side."

"You are a brave and able warrior," says Thundarr as he shakes Ash's hand, "It was an honor to fight at your side."

Ookla howls and roars and scoops Ash up in a crushing bear hug.

"_I'm gonna miss you too, big guy_," gasps Ash as he tries to breathe.

"Well, so long," says Ariel after Ookla had finished saying his goodbyes, "I wish you the best of luck."

She extends her hand to him. He takes it in his mechanical hand and then pulls her in close and grabs her about the waist, dipping her.

"Gimme some sugar, baby," he says, and he kisses her deep and passionately.

Princess Ariel doesn't react at first, surprised at the sudden move on Ash's part. Then she wraps her arms around him and reciprocates. Thundarr glares disdainfully at Ash as the two of them are locked in a passionate embrace, while Ookla just chuckles. When they're done, Ash stands Ariel back up, who is looking at him with an odd mixture of surprise and longing. Then without another word, Ash gets into his truck and drives off. Thundarr looks at Ariel, who merely smiles and walks over to her horse. Thundarr and Ookla follow her, and the three of them mount up. Thundarr's white stallion rears up on its hind legs.

"Ariel! Ookla!" He says, "RIIIIIDE!"

And the three of them ride off into the distance in search of their next adventure.

**THE END**


End file.
